Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
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Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
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you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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