That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
