Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
