You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
