i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
