She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
