Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
