i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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