I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
