just tell him i said nine months
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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