I smell stomach acid.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
you inspire me to be a worse person
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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