so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
