Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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