Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
MIDGETS
????
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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