I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
