Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
