Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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