he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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