I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
