Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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