Just took my morning after pill in the library
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
