I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
