the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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