hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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