Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
