I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
