I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
