I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
