she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
