as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I don't deserve a penis
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
