Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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