My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
