3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
