god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You need a sexual gate keeper
In other news, I just burned my penis
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
