I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
