a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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