I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
