You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
