you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
