so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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