Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
