im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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