It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
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She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
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Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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