Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
