Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think my moral compass just broke
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
