Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
