you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
