Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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