Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
