so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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