Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
