I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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