Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
