Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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