I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My liver just had a heart attack.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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