I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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