I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
